Smurfcakes and Roaches in Top Hats
I will not bore you with tales of delirious revelry and joy, so instead of discussing my vacation last week, I will tell you about my first day back at work. I returned to work somewhat rested and only mildly cranky, which is really saying something. Without people and events to complain about and whiskey to drink away my pain, my days had been surprisingly open and I had accomplished a great deal, and grown a little as a person. This is what vacations are supposed to do, but the irony is that no one experiences these effects until after they’ve reached adulthood. This entirely defeats the purpose because everyone knows that grown ups are too Set in Their Ways to change, and consequently, vacations are both wasted on the young and old alike, but for opposite reasons.
I’m not about to complain too bitterly about them, though, because I rode on a fucking boat swing in the shape of a dragon that almost flipped over. And it was amazing.
Anyway, I returned to work today to discover several things:
1) My boss presented me with a piece of paper that had all kinds of chaotic writing scribbled all over it.
“what is this?” i asked him, intending for it to be a rhetorical question.
“this is your schedule for September,” he told me, pointing to a complex mathematical formula that had too many triangles and not enough whole numbers.
“it looks like the deranged scribbling of a madman.” i said, citing the peculiar goat doodles he’d made at the corners.
“yes.”
2) We are being invaded by cockroaches, and they are growing bold. One of them challenged a coworker to a foot race in the hallway while wearing a tiny vest and a top hat. Another had taken up residence in one of the offices, and had the audacity to scuttle away when someone asked him to leave whilst holding a phone book.
3) We have an abundance of bright blue cupcakes, because (I’ve been assured) they are made out of actual smurfs (not imitation smurfs). And the sprinkles are, apparently, smurf brains. Smurfs taste really good.
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