Parenting, part III: Encouragement and Enthusiasm
Manfriend is loud. As a person, he has a loud voice that permeates even the quietest recesses of our home. I will occasionally have to tell him to use his fucking indoor voice because he is not seven, he is a man, and his outdoor voice is loud and inescapable.
When and if we have a child, we will need to acclimate our child to Manfriend’s bouts of loudness. Likewise, I am belligerent. The combination of these two traits means we will need to show our child that loud and belligerent behavior is not inherently negative or scary. It can be exciting!
To do this, I think we will need to become the super enthusiastic parents. Pretend our child is an athlete. Respond accordingly. For instance:
“Are you a baby? You’re a fucking baby! YEAH! Is that a kitty? That’s AN ADORABLE KITTY CAT! SAY KITTY CAT! SAY IT AGAIN! SAY KITTY CAT ONE MORE FUCKING TIME, MOTHERFUCKER! HA HAHAHAHAHA MURDER!”
“How old are you? SHOW ME HOW FUCKING OLD YOU ARE! HOW MANY FINGERS IS THAT? TWO? TWO IS THE BEST AGE OF ALL TIME!”
I anticipate Manfriend will punctuate these declarations of support and love with shouts, leaping up from his seat and screaming, “YEAH!” at the top of his fucking lungs.
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