So we drove out to New Jersey today and wound up talking about man-madediamonds.com, a thoroughly disturbing website. We’re still very self-conscious about being recorded, but maybe you’ll find this amusing. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO TELL US TO STOP RECORDING IF THIS IS DUMBNESS. We won’t be upset, we’ll appreciate you being honest before we made bigger fools out of ourselves.

So, whilst we were out to eat, we concocted a new hit blog idea that involves me writing about the things that I hate. Manfriend did an exemplary job of coming up with suggestions of things for me to hate. His initial idea was Mike “The Situation” and his new t-shirt idea, a shirt with a window that displays abs.

My response was not hateful, so much as impressed. Only someone like The Situation could make a shirt like that successful. At the same time, a fly happened to be buzzing around us, and I grew irritated with it, claiming that a fly’s sole biological function is to be repugnant. Manfriend suggested that this too would make a great blog post in my hate blog. We decided we should record our conversations, and rehashed the ideas. So, without further ado, our lunchtime conversation about Mike “The Situation” and flies:

Do you think a blog devoted to rants and raves written by me would be a good use of our time, or should we pass on this one? More importantly, would you read it?

Also, how many times do I say “situation” in that recording?

Should we just make recordings of our stupid conversations? Manfriend is convinced that I am “very popular on the internet,” but I am not as convinced. I don’t think people find us as funny as we find ourselves.

UPDATE:
The verdict so far is that we should do a lunch podcast instead of a written blog. I like this idea, and suggested that the blog be a) a container for the podcast itself and b) provide supplementary information, such as bulleted lists, visuals, pie charts, cat pictures, animated gifs, and glitter unicorns. I call it “blogcast.”

There are few things I consider myself good at, but resume writing is one of them. I worked at the career center of my university and took a shitload of prep courses. What I’ve learned about what’s conventionally taught versus what works is useful. This post isn’t going to be your run of the mill resume advice. Instead, because I’ve had to read through a ton of resumes recently, I’m going to address some of the more common issues I’ve seen. I’m serious, I’ve read through hundreds of these fucking things.

What doesn’t work:

1. When addressing your cover letter, don’t write “Dear Sirs:” Women also read cover letters, you dingbat.

2. If your resume is over two pages long, I’m skipping you on basic principle and out of self-preservation. If you’re that verbose on paper, you’ll probably kill us all in your interview. I don’t give nearly as much of a fuck about your life history as you think I do. keep reading »

In the following interview with God, I ask him some questions that have been puzzling me as we draw ever closer to Rapture Day. Hopefully these will put your minds at ease in the coming days.

A: I know most people refer to Rapture Day as ‘the Rapture,’ ‘Judgement Day,’ ‘the end times,’ ‘armageddon,’ and a lot of other negative terms. This is odd, since it seems like most people who believe in Rapture Day believe that they will be among the ones who get raptured. What’s your take on this?

G: I like “Rapture Day,” it makes it sound like an American holiday. Which it kind of is. I see your point about the negativity surrounding the rapture. I suppose it has to do with people believing that the Rapture will herald the end of the world.

A: That seems a little arrogant, though. I mean, just because a bunch of religious people get hoovered up into heaven, that doesn’t mean the world can’t function without them.

G: Did you just say ‘hoovered up into heaven’? keep reading »

“Michael. MICHAEL. MICHAEL! MICHAEL!MICHAEL!MICHAEL!MICHAEL!”
“What. WHAT?!”
“Kill it kill it kill it kill it! Agkgh!”
“Kill what? A bug? I’m doing something.”
“It’s going to RAPE US AND SUCK OUR BRAINS THROUGH OUR EARS!”
“HOLY SHIT THAT THING’S HUGE.”

I’m not ashamed to admit that I fled. A few minutes later after the sounds of fighting had died down, I cautiously peered out.

“Did you kill it?”
“Yes, it’s dead.”
“Where is it?”
“On the chair.”
“Holy crap, dude.”
“Yeah… I really killed it.”
“It … it exploded.”

He left it as a warning to other giant bugs who might accost us.

For those of you who’ve kept up on our war against bugs that find their way into our home, this was not a house centipede. Rather, it was a huge fucking horse fly. We get one in the house every few years, and every few years, we kill it dead and leave its corpse out for a while as a message. It seems to be fairly effective.