Food can be sexy, but you should not fuck it.

It’s nice to know I’m not the only person who’s totally weirded out by the fast food ads that arbitrarily mix sex in with their sandwiches. When I think of sex sandwiches, I think of that as a euphemism for a threesome, or, conversely, a serious and disgusting food safety violation.

In Dan Neil’s LA Times article, he talks about just how bizarre these ads get – you’ve probably seen some of them:

Consider the new Quiznos ad for Toasty Torpedo sandwiches (Nitro). This one’s a little hard to describe but it appears that Scott, a Quiznos baker, has had some kind of dangerous liaison with the oven, which speaks to him: “Scott, I want you to do something,” the oven says in a husky male voice. “I’m not gonna do that again,” Scott says. “That burned.” “We both enjoyed that,” the oven answers.

The oven then demands that Scott make a foot-long Toasty Torpedo and — I quote — “Put it in me, Scott.”

Weird. Gross. The idea that Scott the Quizno’s guy is diddling the sandwich oven doesn’t inspire me to go out and buy a Quizno’s “toasty” sandwich. It makes me seriously consider calling the health inspector. Neil goes on to offer some theories as to why this is a current ad trend:

For one thing, these ads target a young audience, digital natives who have had their normative values defined by life online, which is generally pretty risque (I have no doubt there is a man-on-toaster website out there). For another, humor is about the only defense advertisers have against the commercial-skipping fast-forward button on the DVR. And sex is, on a cosmic level, pretty hilarious.

True, sex sells, but there are some things you just don’t combine. My lunch and your penis are two of those things. As a young audience member and a product of our Rule #34 culture, my threshold for what I consider funny and what I consider gross is considerably higher than say, my mom’s. I can certainly understand how Carl’s Jr.’s ads might be passable as funny, and to a degree they are, but they’re mostly just stupid. Much in the same way Axe Bodyspray commercials are stupid. But Carl’s Jr. knows what audience its targeting, and I think it does so successfully. There is a pretty significant douchebag demographic, and they do spend money on douchebag things. So yes, if your product appeals to douchebags, don’t fight it. Embrace your inner douche. That’s the Carl’s Jr. lesson.

Other restaurants, however, are family establishments, or appeal more to the lunchtime business crowd (I’m looking at you, machine-fucker-Scott). Or in the case of Burger King, someone, (I’m not naming any names, crispinporterbogusky), thought a great way to market to children and their parents was to get Sir Mix Alot to update his homage to the bodonkadonk. For children. I can see the brain trust meeting now – “but that song is so much a part of our culture, it’s no longer about butts, it’s an anthem. A buttthem.” Yes. It is. For college douchebags. I don’t see many four or five year olds rocking the popped collar, oh wait. (Photo: men.style.com)

Neil tries to make sense of this madness by suggesting that by sexualizing its products, the fast food industry is making a last ditch effort to salvage its distinctly unsexy product. But in our economy, is that a big threat? Are people going, “you know what, we’ve really struggled to make enough money to buy dinner and we can afford to get more food at McDonald’s. Screw it, though, those dollar menu items aren’t sexy enough. Let’s go get an organic head of lettuce and some locally produced mayonaise.”

I doubt it. No, I think this, like many trends, is just a poorly thought out way of keeping up with the Joneses. It works for Carl’s Jr. because Carl’s Jr. is a douchebag with a douchebag product. It cannot work for Quizno’s or Burger King.

3 Comments »

Re: Quizno’s TV ad, I think they must have cut some of it or redone it completely. I saw it last night and the relationship between Scott and the oven is not apparent. My sense was a take-off on Hal from A Space Odyssey: 2001.

Comment by wixer — May 1, 2009 @ 6:04 am

Huh, that’s odd, wixer. In my area, they’re still playing them as-is. I heard the creepy dialogue from the kitchen last night while cleaning up. Maybe they got complaints in your area?

Comment by alex — May 1, 2009 @ 6:30 am

I love that commercial. The first time my husband and I saw we had to pick our jaw up off the floor and then laughed for a good minute.

Comment by Deidre — May 1, 2009 @ 7:03 am

RSS feed for comments on this post.

Leave a comment