The subject is really what cracks me up, because in reading it, I pronounce it, and invariably, it sounds like this.

Also, I like how you can buy online ear infections. Didn’t know that was a thing.

When and if we have a child, we will need to acclimate our child to Manfriend’s bouts of loudness. Likewise, I am belligerent. The combination of these two traits means we will need to show our child that loud and belligerent behavior is not inherently negative or scary. It can be exciting!

To do this, I think we will need to become the super enthusiastic parents. Pretend our child is an athlete. Respond accordingly. For instance:

“Are you a baby? You’re a fucking baby! YEAH! Is that a kitty? That’s AN ADORABLE KITTY CAT! SAY KITTY CAT! SAY IT AGAIN! SAY KITTY CAT ONE MORE FUCKING TIME, MOTHERFUCKER! HA HAHAHAHAHA MURDER!”

“How old are you? SHOW ME HOW FUCKING OLD YOU ARE! HOW MANY FINGERS IS THAT? TWO? TWO IS THE BEST AGE OF ALL TIME!”

I anticipate Manfriend will punctuate these declarations of support and love with shouts, leaping up from his seat and screaming, “YEAH!” at the top of his fucking lungs.

At two years:

“No no no no no!”
“[Baby awesome*] does not want to put on pants. Noted.” And I will proceed to write something in the notebook.

At three years:

“I don’t want carrots!”
“[Baby awesome] does not want carrots. Noted.”
“What are you doing?”
“Making a note of your complaint.”
“Oh.” I assume this will baffle our child all of once. 

At some point, the notebook will cease to confound them. Instead, they will either ignore it, or insist on seeing it. At this point, [baby awesome] will still not be able to read. I will happily show them the notebook. They may attempt to write in it themselves, or destroy it. I will allow them to do neither.

I will let this progress for as long as it is amusing and as long as the kid puts up with it. Eventually, the kid will get old enough to sense taunting, at which point the notebook will be put away for a few years.

Eventually, the kid will find it and read it. And they will realize… they have been trolled so hard.

*placeholder name

1. We love where we live. We have an amazing apartment in a great part of the city, and no matter how green the grass looks on the other side, we’re really comfortable here. I would even go so far as to say we’re spoiled. The only thing that is imperfect about our apartment? No dogs.

2. A dog is a pain in the ass. Realistically, if the dog can’t come to work with me most of the days of the week, we’re not getting a dog, even if it was allowed. I won’t keep a dog in a crate all day every day, especially in a building where neighbors could hear barking. Won’t. Of course, training would be done, but what a tough situation if it doesn’t work out the way we hope.

3. Not all cats are assholes. We have first hand experience with some great cats. Some first hand experience with some not-so-great cats. We want a cat that wants to be with us, and cuddle, who doesn’t attack us or ignore us.

4. Hmm, is there like, a lap-cat breed out there?

5. Hm. There is. The Ragdoll

• Ragdolls are very social animals. They love people and get along well with gentle dogs.
• They love kids, provided the kids aren’t complete assholes.
• They’re extremely gentle and docile; called ragdolls for their tendency to go limp when held.
• Ragdolls are much easier to train than other cats – permitting baths, leashes, and car travel.
• They enjoy playing fetch.
• They aren’t big jumpers; because they are big cats (some getting up to 25lbs), they tend to be stocky and sturdy, and mostly floor-level.
• They have soft, medium length fur. They do not have an undercoat, so unlike other longer haired cats, are much more resistant to matting.
• They are actually called “puppy cats.”

So yes, instead of getting a dog, we’re getting a cat that in all respects resembles what we look for in a dog, with the added bonus of being litter / toilet trained (lofty goals!) and indoor only.

alex: ok, ok, so he’s got all of this knowledge, and they give him a hot baby sitter? HAHAHAHAH. when do they do the reveal at the end of the series that this is his fantasy to help him survive the extreme torture
tony: haha
alex: they put him through to extract the information he has. because i swear to god, i would watch it if that were the case

It’s been pretty quiet on the book front for a few months. I’ve been taking a quiet break which has lapsed into something longer. I would not call it writer’s block, so much as writer’s incubation. The ideas have not stopped. In fact, I am in the process of rewriting one of the recent chapters to take advantage of a huge new plot development that will not only take the book, (I think), to a new level, but tie much of the plot together. It explains a great deal about the whys of the characters, and makes the later books make a lot more sense.

The goal is, as always, to get published. While a part of me wants to rush and get the book done and out, (I do keep setting goals for myself), a very sensible part of me knows that it’s a very good idea to take advantage of the time I have now. Life is busy, and it will always get busier. I have to make time to write the book now, and that’s unlikely to change in the future. In the event that I do get published and it sells well, there will absolutely be demand for a second book. Part of the time I’m spending now is working out those later plot points as I lay the foundation for what will likely be a fairly epic story. In doing so, I’m confident that the first book is becoming a better, more complete, story.

Nothing bugs me more than those moments where I, as a reader, blink and suddenly wonder not why a character is doing something, but why his or her author is writing the story that way. When I can no longer suspend my disbelief, and am instead nagged by these irritating questions that won’t go away, it makes me think less of the author. This isn’t an issue of not enjoying the novel – if it’s a good story, I move past it and chalk it up to an understandable mistake, and hope that it will later be explained. More often than not though, it’s an issue of writing, which is absolutely not an easy task. I am the first to admit that it’s hard, and I’m a novice at it. I won’t sit here and tell you that my book won’t have plot holes – it inevitably will, and I will inevitably cringe when I catch them well after the fact.

Right now, I have the luxury of time. I do not have a publisher or an editor hounding me for chapters. I have beta readers – amazing beta readers – who are incredibly encouraging, supportive, patient and critical (yes, this is a very good thing). The important distinction is that these people are not paid depending on whether I give them content. Nor do they pay me. I’m not trying to be dismissive of my beta readers; to the contrary, they are so vital to this process that I can safely say there would not be a book without them at this point. Or if there were, it would be a lot shittier. What I’m saying is that their investment is different than the investment of an editor or a publisher.

If I need time to think through a plot point, I can take that time. I don’t risk my financial well-being, nor do I need to reschedule dinner with friends because I’m on a deadline. I can simply put the book away for a little while and come back to it refreshed and inspired. Whether or not the book is ever published, I will probably not have that luxury again as I have it now. Life will happen, deadlines will hit, and more and more personal obligations will get in the way (not that they are inherently bad, just stating a fact – family and friends take priority).

This is in no way shape or form a post about a hiatus. The book is still being written, bit by bit, page by page. Ideas are still being jotted down as fervently as ever, and yes, I have no intention of this becoming one of those well-intentioned but never finished projects. It will be completed, and I cannot wait for you to read it. I just love having the gift of time.

Hobo Cobbler

1/4 cup sugar
1/2 tablespoon corn starch
2 cups FRESH fruit* (rinsed, sliced, peeled and anything else you may need to do to it)
1/2 teaspoon lemon juice
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 tablespoon sugar
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 tablespoons unsalted butter
1/4 cup of milk

Destructions:

These instructions are written for Hobo cobbler, which means this is a one-pan dish. You need to ensure your pans are oven-safe. I take absolutely no responsibility for melted pans and chemical fumes. We use and love our IKEA 365+ pans which are all-metal and oven safe. If you aren’t sure or have doubts, don’t risk it – transfer your cobbler into an oven-safe dish. It’s heart will still be hobo. If you are making a larger quantity of cobbler, you may want to use a casserole dish instead once the stove top part is complete.

1. Preheat oven to 400°F

2. Mix 1/4 cup sugar and cornstarch in a saucepan (you want at least a 2-quart). Stir in fruit and lemon juice. Cook, stirring CONSTANTLY until mixture thickens and boils. This is hobo cobbler, people, don’t fuck around. Boil and stir for ONE MINUTE.

3. If you need to switch to an oven-safe dish, now’s the time. You can keep your mixture warm in the oven, or if you’re making it hobo style, just cover your saucepan for the time being. It’s going NOWHERE.

4. In a separate bowl, mix flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. Cut in butter, crisscrossing two knives to blend, until mixture has a crumbly consistency. Stir in milk. Drop dough by spoonfuls onto the hot fruit mixture.

5. Bake uncovered 25-30 minutes or until topping is golden brown.

*We went with blueberries when they were in season this summer. You could adapt this to use apples this autumn. Just make sure you get a crisp, tart apple – no grainy, super sweet, or mushy fruit. Consider adding some cinnamon to give the dish that nice spiciness that apples benefit from. 

Blythe: The thing i love the most about Roberts and Cass is that they’re PEOPLE

Alex: yeah, ultimately, everyone in this story is human

Blythe: one is a pirate chasing a dream and the other is a TIME WITCH, but they’re people. They’re not out to save the world and both have relatively selfish (if you want to classify it as that) motivations (personal fulfillment/love) so of course the villain isn’t EVIL but is threatening to them.

Alex: and the irony to it, is that the villain is actually the one person who’s really doing good things for the people, if you want to get down to that, but also takes away their freedom in many ways.

Blythe: true! it’s a paradox

Alex: so it throws a lot into question, and it’s one of those things, you have these people with tremendous, unprecedented power who are still somehow very human and have really different perspectives on things, but neither are really up anyone’s ass about what’s right and wrong. Honestly, if anyone is really moral, or at least plays at being moral, it’s Cass, but that’s easily just a vehicle for her ulterior motives.

Blythe: I can see Cass having a strong moral code of her own. After all, she could be wrecking a lot more stuff but she doesn’t

Alex: same as Roberts. She’s also very much about letting people figure out their shit on their own, but interfering at all, in any capacity, has consequences, and that really haunts her. She has to grapple with the fact that this power kind of presented itself. She didn’t earn it, it’s just a part of her life. And that’s what the villain is in many ways jealous of. At the same time, it defines Cass, so she has to eventually figure out what the fuck to do with it, so a lot of the story is her figuring out where she stands.

Blythe: talent vs. skill. God, I love it so much.

Alex: I’m so glad.

Consequently, I’m writing a villain who is less a villain and more a truly fucked up person. Someone who clings to pain and uses it to give themselves strength, someone who thirsts for power and vengeance. I want someone whose lust and sadness are understandable and relatable. Someone cold and calculating but ultimately, painfully human.

Hopefully I’ll be successful in this endeavor. I don’t want anymore stereotypes.

Apparently this was not according to the plan, because someone said, “We didn’t get into this just so Buckley could get knighted.”

Let’s not get sidetracked here, people. It’s good that the people in my dream can stay on point.

More distressingly, Sir Buckley got pepper sprayed at one point. I have no idea why, but it was entirely unnecessary. Then I woke up, probably to the sound of a dog barking outside.