Deadly “Epic Storm”

We’re about to be hit with this intense storm. I was just at the food store to pick up food for tomorrow if we get snowed in. I live in a major city. Not near a major city, in a major city. I don’t have a car, because I can walk to everything. Because I live in a major city. So what’s perplexing to me is that the shelves were empty. People were squealing into the parking lot and running, running into the food store to pick up all the non-perishable food they could find, and a head of lettuce. No, seriously. Every non-perishable item was gone. And the lettuce. Fuck you guys.

What the fuck do these people think is going to happen? The storm is going to be here for about a day. Yes, that means we’ll get some snow. Yes, that might be a record for this decade, but not for anyone else in the United States, and not even for us, if you were alive in the nineties. I’ve seen scary snow before. This is not and will not be it. What it doesn’t mean is that we won’t be able to dig ourselves out. Because after a day, it will stop snowing. Scary snow is when it snows heavily for days, and by the time it stops, there’s five feet of it, and you really don’t know if you can get to the corner store to buy a can of soup. Two feet is nothing.

You don’t need fucking canned goods that won’t go bad for two years to live through a one-day storm without dying of starvation. COME ON. What’s weirder about this though, is that these people, presumably, live near by. Otherwise, why would they be shopping there at 7 pm on a Friday? Wouldn’t they be shopping in their neighborhood stores? Who are these people? They shop like they live in the middle of nowhere and this is the closest general store for miles. Yo, hook me up with some millet, my Amish homies.

Saturday. The world is still here. OH HAY. LOOK AT THAT. IT STOPPED SNOWING. You know why? because that’s what if fucking does in Philadelphia. It stops. Also, everything’s open. Which raises another funny question. All of these people are panicking and racing to buy food so that they don’t die of starvation over night, but all the service professionals are, you know, working. I saw the newspaper truck out front BEFORE WE EVEN GOT PLOWED. What the fuck, people? What the fuck! Who are you, and why are you such mega wusses?

In Virginia, it’s really bad. You know why it’s so bad? Because a) they got a fuckload more snow than we did, and b) they’re a lot further south than we are. SNOW IS STRANGE THERE. Here, though? Seriously? Twenty-four inches? You know what that is? Two feet. Babies and small dogs may have some trouble with two feet. The elderly may need more assistance, but COME ON. You able bodied jackasses who just elbowed grandma out of the way so you could get the last can of beans? WHAT. THE. FUCK.

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