Coping when a partner has lost their job

It’s true, men are losing their jobs with greater frequency than women. However, U.S. News & World Report did a great job of missing some fundamental points in their recent article, Recession Tips for Wives.While it does a good job of pissing off men and women alike with its stereotyping, (hey women, your jobs – or job loss – is not as important or devastating as it is for a man, since you’re really homemakers anyway).

While I’m irritated at the advice offered in the U.S. News & World Report article, mostly because it makes a lot of nasty assumptions about the people involved, (men don’t talk about their feelings, can’t function on their own without a woman to do their thinking for them, and women are judgmental harpies who will withhold sex when no money is coming in), at its root, it does try to pass along some truly valid advice.

First of all, every person’s situation is different, and with any advice article you have to know that it’s generalizations. You or your partner may well be the exception. Likewise, your relationship may be in trouble for reasons that can’t be solved by talking more, less, or having sex (as that article suggests). If your partner becomes abusive or is becoming seriously depressed, get professional help. Seriously. Don’t turn to blogs for tips.

“There are plenty of sunny day relationships, and sometimes we don’t know that we’re in one until it starts to rain.”

The Situation
Job loss is hard, no matter who you are, and it’s harder still when you can’t bounce right back. Our economy is to blame for this, and we’re also going through a cultural shift, one that’s been building up for a while now. There are a lot of factors here, and few, if any of them, have to do with you or your partner personally. Part of what makes it so hard is not having the ability to control your prospects. Before, you could go back to school, rewrite your resume, look into different lines of work, or get an entry level job somewhere. Now, you’re pretty much screwed every which way, unless you have a very specific skill set that’s in demand.

It’s not your fault
It’s hard times right now. We all need to make sacrifices. What’s critically important is not blaming one another, but supporting each other and taking the time to remind one another (and yourselves) that you do love each other, you will get through this, and you can fix this. It may not happen over night, but you can do this, together.

What’s hard, as I mentioned before, is not having that element of control. In some ways, it’s a lot scarier to be blameless when you have job loss. At least, if it was your fault, you know what you did and you can avoid doing it again. You can start over somewhere else. When the economy just sucks, you probably were laid off for no other reason than the company just couldn’t afford you anymore. That’s scary, because you really didn’t do anything wrong.

Sex IS important
If your relationship is a sexual one, sex is important for both people as a stress reliever and as a way of reaffirming the physical bond. That’s not true of everyone, but it is true for a lot of couples in committed sexual relationships.

Fighting isn’t bad. Picking fights is.
Tip toeing around the issue won’t help anyone. If you haven’t had at least one break down moment and confronted someone about why they’re being such an ass, you’re either walking on egg shells or you should start sharing some tips with the rest of us. Try and listen to one another and remember that yes, this sucks, but it isn’t your partner’s fault, unless he or she did screw up the economy or played a big role in the current economic crisis, (in which case, you’ve got way bigger problems, called Karma with a capital K).

Use a fight to listen, not treat your partner like a punching bag. It’s a time to express how angry, frustrated or hurt you are because of something they have done. If they have been treating you badly, let them know. Don’t use your partner as someone to dump your shit on because you’re angry or upset about other things. That’s not what he/she is there for.

Fighting can be productive and bring people together. They happen when emotions reach a boiling point. Most people don’t like confrontation and try to avoid it, and that’s why fights tend to be explosive – they feel like they just can’t take anymore, and usually one little thing will “set them off,” – it’s the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. Even though most fight start off passionate and emotion fueled, don’t let that emotion blind you to what your partner is saying or how they’re reacting. If you’re angry that they’ve been treating you badly and they apologize, don’t keep going and blaming them. Yes, they made you angry, and getting out anger can be therapeutic, but try and know what you need from your partner in order to make it okay. If a heartfelt apology and a hug doesn’t fix it, what will?

When it’s too broken
The truth underneath all of this is that hard times bring people together and pull them apart. Ever heard of a sunny day friend? There are plenty of sunny day relationships, and sometimes we don’t know that we’re in one until it starts to rain. You can be supportive and cheer your partner on without debasing yourself. You can tell him or her what they need to hear in order to pull it together and do what they need to do.

Why relationships are important
Being in a partnership however is meant to make life a little bit easier – through support, love and companionship. Your partner should be able to hack it without you nudging them along. That doesn’t mean it isn’t nice to have someone’s support and help at difficult times in our lives.

2 Comments »

Thank you for the information. Also, thanks for putting it into perspective (men don’t always act one way and neither do women). I lost my job and the support of my husband really saved me.

Comment by Kate — July 25, 2009 @ 6:25 am

It’s really important to remember why we’re in relationships – why we’re with the people we’re with, and why we need to support them. In many ways, difficult events, like job loss, can make a relationship stronger. If the relationship is founded on less fundamental foundations, such as those that depend on a certain socioeconomic level, those foundations will falter when times get hard. There’s something really wonderful about knowing that if everything does go to hell, you can still count on your partner to be there and love you.

I just reread my article, and I realized how badly it needs to be edited. Argh, sorry folks.

Comment by alex — July 26, 2009 @ 10:29 am

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