I call it, “fury of the sea.”

What doesn’t work:

1. When addressing your cover letter, don’t write “Dear Sirs:” Women also read cover letters, you dingbat.

2. If your resume is over two pages long, I’m skipping you on basic principle and out of self-preservation. If you’re that verbose on paper, you’ll probably kill us all in your interview. I don’t give nearly as much of a fuck about your life history as you think I do.

3. A lot of you are designers, or think you are designers. I’m trying to read a resume, not get a deeper understanding of humanity through your abstract use of Word ClipArt.

4. If your objective is to get a job in the industry you’re applying for, congratulations, I kind of assumed that. What baffles me are the people who’s objectives are for two totally different jobs, like chef and big rig driver. Especially when the chef one is kind of an afterthought, like, “well, I want the big rig job, but if you don’t have any and you’re hungry, I guess we could work something out.” You seriously couldn’t create two separate resumes?

5. Stop applying for every job ever. If there’s a job you want that requires skill sets you have, apply for it. I don’t give a flying fuck if you’re really well qualified for my job, my boss’s job, my coworkers’ jobs or HR jobs. I want you to be qualified for the job I’m hiring for. I get that you’re desperate for a job and you want to throw everything out there in a desperate bid for SOMETHING OH GOD ANYTHING PLEASE, I WILL WASH YOUR SHOES, but you are seriously like the BUZZING OF FLIES, and your desperation reeks. I don’t hire desperate, I hire qualified and good personality fit for this role.

What does work:

1. Get to the point quickly. Break out your resume into three basic sections: Skills, Experience, Education (in that order). Always include your name, contact information, and work-appropriate website (if applicable) in your header.

2. Don’t pad it. A long resume is not a good resume. Talented people don’t feel the need to go on about themselves, they know what’s important, and they talk about that. Insecure people who aren’t very confident in their skill sets tend to talk a lot about what they do and over explain. If I want to read a fucking novel, I will buy a goddamn book.

3. Stay on point. It’s awesome you have a lot of experience doing a lot of things. Your resume is not the place to talk about it. Stick to the stuff that directly relates to the job you’re applying for. Trust me, no one will give a fuck that you spent ten years of your life picking cherries on a farm in New Mexico before you settled on business administration as your career choice.

4. Speak to your audience. Yeah, I admit it, most people (myself included) skim the cover letter, but sometimes it makes or breaks a resume and can be the deciding factor in whether you get a call back or not. Keep it to two paragraphs. Tone is important – you want professional, but not overly technical. The cover letter is where you can speak more about why you’d make a good employee, why you’re the perfect fit for the company, and why you enjoy doing what you do. Why the fuck do you want a job? It’s not the place to summarize or repeat your resume. A lot of people just avoid the cover letter all together. Whatever, if all I have from you is a generic resume, guess who’s not getting a call?

5. Be confident. No one wants to hire someone desperate. Desperate people do desperate things and they create a shitty work environment. Your confidence not only speaks volumes about you, but also about your caliber of work. If you are confident in the work you do, you can then confidently defend it and explain it. This is kind of mission critical for every job. Being able to speak to what you do will help you get along better with coworkers, explain your role to your boss, and help the company overall.

OH, and P FUCKING S? Stop sending me fucking word files. Convert that shit to a PDF.

Or I could tell you how I’d been telling Manfriend that next week was going to be sad, because I’m the only one in our family who’s working on Monday and a lot of people are probably going to be out of the office, so I’ll be sad and arbitrary, and probably spin around in my chair in a lonely fashion. Manfriend suggested he come and take me out to lunch since he won’t be working on Monday. So we run into Blank and her mom in the lobby as we all return from our various dining adventures.

“What’s all this stuff,” Manfriend asks Blank, who’s carrying lots of bags and toys and so forth.
“Oh, this is for Toast,” Toast is her niece and before anyone knew what Toast was, (niece or nephew), everyone just called her Toast, rather than “it.”
“Okay…” Manfriend pretends to understand.
“I’m flying out to Portland on Wednesday and I’m going to be gone for two weeks.”
“Oh, so that’s why Alex is so sad about being alone in the office on Monday!”

Okay, so obviously Blank is not a sufficient alias for this person. I will have to come up with random, semi-arbitrary nicknames for people or just refer to them as colors or numbers. So I could tell you that I’ll need to consult Purple and Ten about what to call Blank on my blog. CAN YOU SEE HOW CONFUSING THIS WILL GET??

Of course Purple will read this and send me an IM tomorrow going, “dude, I’m totally Purple, aren’t I. I know it. I know I am.”

Edit: Manfriend is totally supportive of “Blank.”

“I can’t call her Blank.”
“Of course you can. Blank is perfect. Or you could call her Pixie.”
“Why Pixie?”
“Because she has short hair.”
“But that’s a semi-identifiable thing. People will know who she is if I do that,”
“EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS WHO SHE IS! She lives in the building! It’s your best and only friend, BLANK!”

Oh my GOD, do you see what I have to live with all the time? All. The. Time. Also, Purple, just remember when the time comes, and you are rationing out your apocalypse water, remember that Manfriend thought that Purple was a) a stupid name for you, and b) that you weren’t worth mentioning as one of my friends. Just remember those cold facts. (I love you).

“HEY, that’s not true. Purple is everybody’s friend.” In his defense, that is sort of true. Except for that one dude on the bus who  saw all the evil inside her.

1. “…we are actively helping set the standards for the modern web.”
2. “Through our investments in standards and interoperability, we hope to help bring predictability to web programming.”
3. “Because when you can spend less time rewriting your sites to work across browsers, you can spend more time creating amazing experiences.”
Source: www.beautyoftheweb.com

What irks me about all of this isn’t that IE9 is clearly trying. What bothers me is that Microsoft is making some bold claims and delicately skating over the fact that IE has held back standards for “the modern web” for 10 years. It’s a bit like having five companies develop better green initiatives while one company sits around polluting unapologetically for ten years. Finally, the polluting company comes out and says, “Wait, wait you guys, we should stop polluting. Our company is going to set the standard for green initiatives. Aren’t we super awesome!?”

In 1996, during the height of the browser wars, it was common to see websites built for use with one browser only. In those days, you could download most browsers (including IE), regardless of operating system, and have at least an approximate experience cross-platform. Unfortunately for all versions of IE released after 6, they only work on the Windows operating systems. With IE9, that pool is even smaller, as it cannot be downloaded on any system except Windows 7 (the most recent).

Couple this with the fact that most IT departments stopped upgrading IE at version 7, and there’s a wide and growing gap between IE7 and IE9. Likewise, these same IT departments wisely decided not to upgrade to Vista, instead opting to stay with the older but vastly more stable WindowsXP. Consequently, Windows 7 and IE9 present a UI experience radically different from the UI the vast majority of PC users are accustomed to.

My point here is that IE9 is woefully exclusive. It makes massive demands of its users: you must have a new computer that runs Windows 7 in order to download and use IE9. Unfortunately, the internet is not browser specific. The true beauty of the web lies in its ability to transcend geography, demographic, platform, and yes, even browser. When we begin seeing alerts cautioning us against using any browser except IE9 which the vast majority of internet users cannot download, we’re severely limiting not only a user experience, but the ability for users to access information. The ugly fact is that despite being a self-proclaimed leader of standards development, sites built for IE9 mean sites built only for IE9.

We learned in the 90′s that this is detrimental to businesses. The more people who can access a company website, the better for the company. The last thing I want to see with IE9 is a repeat of those miserable user experiences that plagued us ten years ago.

Every quarter my company has a giant meeting to discuss how fantastic we are and how much ass we kick. We compare lists of names with one another, (this is especially important for team building with other offices, as we don’t see them often), and share tips on the most effective ass-kicking footwear.

That was a slight exaggeration. Here’s a fact:

We all pretend to be superheroes and we have an ongoing contest to come up with theme songs for everyone in our office. We will burn a CD and taunt the other offices with it, challenging them to guess which song corresponds to which person. We laugh smugly as we plan this, confident they are too stodgy and witless to figure it out, (obviously, we don’t see them enough. if we did, we would know how completely wrong we are).

Every quarter, we alternate where the meeting is held, ensuring that each office only has to drive out of state once in a while. This week it was our turn to make the epic road trip. I will spare you the details of the meeting for two reasons: 1) the details are not relevant to this story and 2) it’s frowned upon.

So the point is that we woke up crazy early, drove out of state for a meeting, drove back, and walked directly to the bar. Why did we do this on a Monday, you may ask yourself. Well, because there was a pumpkin carving contest, and one of our favorite servers of drinks at said bar had enticed us to attend and slice up a pumpkin to teach all the other pumpkins a lesson. Brutal, perhaps, but effective. Pumpkin attacks have been at a record low for decades.

Anyway, we decided to go get a few drinks and carve a pumpkin. So we sat down and ordered a few drinks and began sketching. Our ideas ranged from the classic jack o’lantern to the grossly inappropriate (yes, we did figure out how to make pumpkin carving offensive and overtly sexual).

Finally, we settled on tipping our pumpkin over, giving him a drunken leer, and shoving an empty beer bottle in his mouth. We called him our drunken punkin:

And that’s pretty much how we came to carve a pumpkin, while inebriated, in an Irish pub.

K: it’s larry’s birthday…
D: hello
J: heyy
Mr. T: hey
me: my chat was going to be called “Secret Party Surprise!”
K: lol
T: lol
B: hello
J: haha
me: you can’t say lol, T. i can hear you not loling.
K: alex, hit us up with the list
D: shhh Bs here
T: :F
Mr. T: i don’t lol
T:
B: roll call?
B: B Here
R: R
A: A
Mr. T: T
D: D
me: < alex
J: J
B: Larry
me: shut up
me: so the plan is to get a messload of food
me: from various places
R: ugh, the day i decide to pack a lunch
Mr. T: can we get a shitload instead?
A: we do have a fridge
me: we have a rough list of places to go and stuff to get, we just need to work out who goes, and what distraction to come up with should larry decide he’s hungry
me: which is a CONSTANT THREAT
D: you have 5 mins
me: B, we elected you chief distraction person
B: ok
B: should i have a meeting with him
T: are we having a party that I don’t know about?
me: there’s also cake later
D: larry b-day
me: this is an all day/night event, T.
T: ok good that i am informed
Mr. T: i’ll get a room
me: ok, so here’s the list of food places:
B: my IM window has never been this colorful
me: 1. Wendys: 10- 99c hamburgers, 5 biggie fries
D: ill goto wendys
me: i know, d, i know
me: i already wrote down your name for that one
me: 2. miga – fried rice, side of kimchi
me: SUCK IT, T
Electric Boogaloo: WHOA WHOA WHOA
Electric Boogaloo: What is going on?
Electric Boogaloo: I just got here
me: wait, patience
D: sweet
Electric Boogaloo: WHAT IS THIS?
me: we’re doing a secret party surprise for lar
Electric Boogaloo: YAY!
me: and going to various food places and getting a shitload of food
me: ok
me: up to speed
Electric Boogaloo: YAY!!!!
me: 3. minar (A) – getting something
me: 4. K is going to terminal and getting bbq pork, salmon, and basil chicken
D: what are we going to eat?
Electric Boogaloo: WHAT DO I NEED TO GET!?
Electric Boogaloo: I’m coming from [Client]
Electric Boogaloo: I CAN GET ANYTHING
me: 5. joe’s – pizza, 1/2 cheese, 1/2 buffalo
B: why is the slowest person going the furthest distance
Electric Boogaloo: hahaha
B: K should take a cab
Electric Boogaloo: hahahaha
A: nice
A: she’ll be the first to leave
Electric Boogaloo: Do you want me to get snacks from DiBrunos?
A: which should be like now
me: ha ha
me: these are good questions
R: the office is going to be suspiciously empty
me: important questions
Electric Boogaloo: It’s true.
D: R should get the steak and lobsters…
Electric Boogaloo: IS THAT R?
me: it will be lunch time. and B will be in a meeting with larry
Electric Boogaloo: HI R!!!!
me: so — damn it, Electric Boogaloo.
Electric Boogaloo: NOW ALEX CAN’T KEEP ME FROM IMING YOU ANYMORE!
me: we had a discussion about this.
R: lightning is R
A: FOCUS ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
Electric Boogaloo: SORRY
Electric Boogaloo: WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO GET ?
Electric Boogaloo: on my way back
me: FOOD!
Electric Boogaloo: from where?!!?!!?
Electric Boogaloo: I suggested DiBrunos
B: Focus people
me: we need miga, and we need joe’s
me: so we need two people at least to handle those places
me: anything else is gravy
J: i can go to one
Electric Boogaloo: OK
Electric Boogaloo: I’ll get Joe’s
me: ok
Electric Boogaloo: J = Miga
me: J, i’ll go with you to miga
J: sweett
D: we need root beer floats
A: ohh
B: this lunch is going to make me vomit
Electric Boogaloo: I am SOOOO SKIPPING THE GYM FOR THIS
A: good call D
me: we should order ahead, because they are slow as shit at miga
Electric Boogaloo: root beer floats!!!
K: OK, I’m off to RTM
Electric Boogaloo: GO K GO!
A: yes – you need to go NOW
me: run! move those li’l legs!
K: Jakes has root beer floats and I have a groupon
B: like the wind!
K: and my mom is bringing cake later
me: fly!
me: yes, the aforementioned cake
K: peace out
B: a very slow wind, more of a breeze
Electric Boogaloo: CAKE
Electric Boogaloo: FUCK
Electric Boogaloo: WHAT AN AWESOME DAY
Electric Boogaloo: OK I have a meeting here
me: it’s just going to be you and me in this chat, isn’t it
A: k
me: after two minutes
Electric Boogaloo: Joe’s Pizza – 1/2 buffalo
Electric Boogaloo: half
Electric Boogaloo: something else??
A: just call jos before you leave
me: cheese
Electric Boogaloo: will do
me: call me if you forget
Electric Boogaloo: half buffalo half cheese
me: i have a list written down
Electric Boogaloo: got it
Electric Boogaloo: OK
B: so i need to make up a meeting
B: damn it
Electric Boogaloo: !!!!
D: when should everything be back at the office?
A: let’s aim for around 12ish
me: at once, preferably
me: yeah
D: 12 – 12:15?
A: surely
Electric Boogaloo: Oh….ok, will do
me: i mean, at the same time, not like, NOW.
D: sounds good
R: how are we keeping Larry here?
me: captain distraction
me: which … upon reflection sounds like a porn name.
me: sorry, B.
B: thanks
B: that was my DJ name by the way
B: jk
me: lay down some sick beats.
D: wasnt captain distraction in “He’s gotta have it?”
A: he should be used to it
B: are we all good
A: think so
me: wait
me: real quick: throwing in?
me: how are we handling cash
D: yup…
B: after
B: total it and distribute
A: agree
K: is anyone not in?
B: anyone need cash
B: ask A
B: i’m in
A: yes, i double as an ATM
Electric Boogaloo: Why are you so cash-money?
me: you have a lot of ones
B: for some reason she always has a ton of singles
D: hambergers or cheese burgers?
me: good question
B: WTF
B: Cheese of course!
A: half and half?
A: or all cheese
D: yeah i think all cheese
Electric Boogaloo: what street is joe’s on??
Electric Boogaloo: 16th?
Electric Boogaloo: 17th?
K: 16
A: 16
Electric Boogaloo: thank you!!!
Electric Boogaloo: Wait
Electric Boogaloo: K!
Electric Boogaloo: You’re supposed to be gone!
me: a slow breeze, remember?
K: umm, yes
A: ok – no more group chats with Electric Boogaloo
Electric Boogaloo: Why?
Electric Boogaloo: Why am I banned?
Electric Boogaloo: I am a bundle of sunshine.
A: and apparently sugar today
Electric Boogaloo: coffee. lots and lots. kitten had me awake at 5:30. It’s fine.
A: oh joy
Electric Boogaloo: ok, going to go find [client B - the one with fancy pants]. more meetings.
Electric Boogaloo: I’ll be there w/ pizza and bells on at 12ish
me: have fun.
me: btw, email’s down officially. just got an email from the help desk saying there’s an issue with the internet circut
me: no, really, that’s how they spelled it.
A: do stare at his pants
A: don’t i mean
me: i almost told T to wear his business pants in preparation for the day of celebration.
me: who’s pants?
A: or do – up to you really
Electric Boogaloo: hahaha
Electric Boogaloo: B’S PANTS!
Electric Boogaloo: No staring for me.
A: [other B's last name]
me: Oh god
me: that guy
Electric Boogaloo: He got a motorcycle!!!!
A: what??
me: in his pants?
Electric Boogaloo: Not B K
Electric Boogaloo: or B B
Electric Boogaloo: WOW 4th LETTERS ARE DROPPING LEFT AND RIGHT
B: stop talking
Electric Boogaloo: OK
Electric Boogaloo: bye

[hours later...]

me: D? you’re still here?
D: hi. i forgot to close the window.
me: me too.
me: …
me: what are you wearing?

So what does IE9 mean for these people? Initially, it sounds good – IE9 will support CSS3, HTML5, (allegedly) out perform other contemporary browsers in speed and graphics rendering. It sounds great, but there’s one critical hitch: It will not run on XP.

I won’t sit here and tell you that Windows 7 isn’t a good OS. It’s a great OS, and it corrects many of the mistakes made with Vista. But the fact remains that a huge market still uses XP, and that market is primarily office networks. Until network admins upgrade every computer in their system to Vista or higher, and subsequently upgrade all browsers to IE9, designers and developers will still be locked into using IE6.

This isn’t inherently Microsoft’s fault, but it isn’t not Microsoft’s fault either. XP was launched in 2001. It’s an almost ten-year old operating system, and it’s been the most reliable and well-loved Microsoft OS until 7 was released in 2009. That’s eight years of stagnation, and eight years of business standards to overcome. As time goes on, it will be harder and harder for system admins to update their systems and force their users to adapt. IE9 is a step in the right direction, but the jury’s out on whether or not it will be widely adopted. That it promises to bring IE into the modern era is only brag-worthy because it’s Internet Explorer. If it were any other browser or any other company, it wouldn’t be news.

I’m not upset about this, mostly because I am too busy being upset about the thing yesterday wherein I was so furious I went around the house trying to find something that deserved to be kicked, and then I failed. This is interesting for three reasons, because it means:

1. I have a finite amount of anger, or a finite ability to experience it. Consequently, I am limited to choosing the best and most worthy thing to be angry about, rather than diluting my anger and trying to distribute it evenly.

2. People can benefit from this. Provided there is always something worse and more infuriating happening, any lesser irritations will be dealt with kindly and diplomatically.

3. The flip side of course is that being the worst and most infuriating thing results in getting a face full of 100% fury concentrate.

I’m not about to complain too bitterly about them, though, because I rode on a fucking boat swing in the shape of a dragon that almost flipped over. And it was amazing.

Anyway, I returned to work today to discover several things:

1) My boss presented me with a piece of paper that had all kinds of chaotic writing scribbled all over it.
“what is this?” i asked him, intending for it to be a rhetorical question.
“this is your schedule for September,” he told me, pointing to a  complex mathematical formula that had too many triangles and not enough whole numbers.
“it looks like the deranged scribbling of a madman.” i said, citing the peculiar goat doodles he’d made at the corners.
“yes.”

2) We are being invaded by cockroaches, and they are growing bold. One of them challenged a coworker to a foot race in the hallway while wearing a tiny vest and a top hat. Another had taken up residence in one of the offices, and had the audacity to scuttle away when someone asked him to leave whilst holding a phone book.

3) We have an abundance of bright blue cupcakes, because (I’ve been assured) they are made out of actual smurfs (not imitation smurfs). And the sprinkles are, apparently, smurf brains. Smurfs taste really good.

They so accurately reflect my work ethic. I plan on peppering these slogans into my work emails.