“This is stupid.”
“This from the man who asked if there were more cute videos.”
“Yeah, of cats in baskets, being pulled up like an elevator. That is hilarious. Hey, hey, I know you’re blogging this. I know when you’re about to blog. Stop it. No. I just want to see some cats in baskets. I’m telling you, just stop. … Cats in baskets, muthafuckaa… Sign me up for that website. I know you’re one of the fuckers who stole my cloud song.”

“I know when you’re blogging stuff. I bet no one believes this is what I actually say. They’re just like, ‘she’s making this up. Like usual.’”

Also:

So, I’ve recently been waging a campaign against manfriend’s cold heart. More specifically, I’ve been trying to convince him that we should get a dog at some undisclosed point in the future that IS NOT NOW. We both laughed hysterically at this video:

After which he informed me, “this still doesn’t mean you can get a dog. Keep watching videos. Of other people’s dogs.”

Today, we started spring cleaning. Our house smells so much cleaner, and we generally feel better about living here (again). I walked out of the bathroom after scrubbing the tub and said to manfriend, “I just want to say, right here and now, that I’m a domestic fucking goddess.”

“More like a domestic werewolf,” he replied. “Every full moon you clean like a beast.”

I hate bloggers who think that because you visit their site, they can tell you really gross stuff about themselves, things they haven’t really typically done before. Like, they get daring and want to wow you with their ability to talk about poop. I’m not that kind of blogger. This entry is about my pee, and that’s an important distinction.

So at 3 am, I wake up and realize I have a bladder infection. While peeing, I call my doctor, get a prescription called in to a 24-hour pharmacy, and my superhero boyfriend gets on his bike and rides over to pick it up. For the first time ever, I also get this stuff called phenazopyridine, (google it), that does little else except turn my pee dayglo orange. It’s a dye that’s supposed to limit the effects of a bladder infection, the burning, the constant need to pee, all of that, while the antibiotics do their thing. keep reading »

1. You should NOT light a kerosene lamp to keep warm when you still have electricity. This isn’t olden times.
2. More critically, you should NOT fall asleep and forget about your kerosene lamp and then let it set your apartment on fire.
3. I will have dreams I’m in a food court talking to a beautiful Burger King employee wearing only a beaded bra. The fire alarm will catch us both by surprise:

“Is that the fire alarm?” I ask.
“The food court fire alarm doesn’t sound like that,” she replies.
“So that must mean this is all a dream. And there’s a fire in my apartment building.”
“You really thought this was the new Burger King uniform? Really.”

keep reading »