Above, Ellen tries out the Whirly Chair.

“More like a domestic werewolf,” he replied. “Every full moon you clean like a beast.”

So at 3 am, I wake up and realize I have a bladder infection. While peeing, I call my doctor, get a prescription called in to a 24-hour pharmacy, and my superhero boyfriend gets on his bike and rides over to pick it up. For the first time ever, I also get this stuff called phenazopyridine, (google it), that does little else except turn my pee dayglo orange. It’s a dye that’s supposed to limit the effects of a bladder infection, the burning, the constant need to pee, all of that, while the antibiotics do their thing.

In my case, this doesn’t really happen. I just start to notice that my pee is changing color from clear (all that water) to bright, dayglo. I mean, you turn the lights off and the toilet glows in the dark. I guess that’s how I know it’s working. But the real point of this story is that my boyfriend got up, after being ready to fall asleep, and got on a bike and went out into the cold, dark night to get me drugs. He did this if not cheerfully, then without any complaints at all. Not even a grumble.

My theory is that it was the pathetic sobbing from the bathroom punctuated by the pathetic little tinkling of a few drops of pee that really won him over. It was go now, or listen to that shit for another 6 hours. He knew, in his heart, it would escalate to horrible primal howling, which is unsettling at the best of times, but in the middle of the night from a bathroom? The acoustics would be terrifying. What’s great is I didn’t have to make that threat, he just knew.

One of these people was Bill. Bill and I got to talking:

“I like your… I like your…” he gestured towards my chest.
“You like my scarf?”

He nodded sadly.

“A cruder man would say he liked my rack, but you, sir, are a gentleman. I like my scarf too.”
“I love women.”
“I’m sure you do. I looked at you and I thought, that man is a great lover of women. What’s your name?”
“Billl.”
“Bill…”
“Billllll.”
“Bill: Great Lover of Women. That’s how history will remember you.”
“I love women a lot.”
“Oh yes. Not me, personally, of course, but many other women. Of the future.”

Bill nodded happily and turned to his friend.
“I have to go. I’m the lover of women. I have to love some women.”
“Oh, okay, I guess we’re gonna go then.”
“No. I have to go.”

And off Bill went, into the night. To love women. Or, far more likely, stumble home and sleep.

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That’s all.

1. Love. This year, more than any other before it, is full of love. Platonic, brotherly love, familial love, romantic love, it’s the trifecta.

2. Faith. I’m not faithful, in the sense that I conventionally subscribe to any one religion, however, there’s an acceptance and respect for the quiet faith; faith in humanity, faith in the world, faith in the universe. I’m tremendously grateful for being permitted to be myself, quirky, unconventional, and altogether human.

3. Hope. Nothing is easy, nothing is simple, and after a long, dark decade, we’re finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. After war, terror, death and the absolute ugliest side of humanity, we’re able to brush ourselves off and still hold out for the better part of humanity. We can accept that part of being human is being terrible, but there’s another side to humanity, one worth fighting for and hoping for.

4. Thrust. You thought this was a serious entry, didn’t you? You really did. It is serious, but come on now.

(minutes later)

mom: are you going to call me?