Bathroom Door Knocking
This is something I do not understand. I have puzzled over it for years. Maybe someone can enlighten me.
Whenever I’m in a one-person bathroom with a locking door (always has a locking door), someone will knock. Someone will knock, but only after trying the door and discovering it’s locked. I can only assume the following situation happens:
“Oh no, the door is locked! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? Will I ever be able to pee? Why can’t I get in there? I have to pee so bad! What is going on? The door is locked! It must be an enigmatic clue! If I knock, maybe I will begin to understand what is happening!”
Or:
“The door is locked! Maybe a gust of wind caused this to happen! Perhaps the door is stuck. Maybe there was a cave in, and the door is forced closed against my wishes! What if there is no one in there, and I am just standing here, like an idiot, waiting for no one to finish peeing. I could never live down the humiliation! I have to knock!”
Because it couldn’t possibly be:
“I happen to know that my bathroom business takes precedence over yours. That is the natural order of the world, now get out of the fucking bathroom because I need to pee.”
Fuckers. Have the decency to wait thirty seconds. You can usually hear if someone’s in there, as if the locked door weren’t enough of an indication. I can also HEAR YOU slamming your hand against the door in your all thumbs effort to enter the bathroom. You people are wacky.
I am the antithesis of the bathroom door knocker. I am the director of bathroom occupancy intelligence (BCI). The head honcho. I approach like a ninja. A ninja cat. I stalk that door like it’s a sleeping baby that I am terrified of waking. I move, like an assasin, through the hallway as I approach. I wear sneakers, too.
Then, so lightly, so gently, I will place my fingers against the door handle, and push like a gentle spring breeze pushes the blossoms of a cherry tree into the air. The handle will make no sound. Maybe a whisper, as if to say, “Shh… no rush. Take your time. I am just inquiring into the status of the bathroom at this moment.”
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