Archive for February, 2010
10 Things I’ve Learned from the Blizzard of ’10
1. You should NOT light a kerosene lamp to keep warm when you still have electricity. This isn’t olden times.
2. More critically, you should NOT fall asleep and forget about your kerosene lamp and then let it set your apartment on fire.
3. I will have dreams I’m in a food court talking to a beautiful Burger King employee wearing only a beaded bra. The fire alarm will catch us both by surprise:
“Is that the fire alarm?” I ask.
“The food court fire alarm doesn’t sound like that,” she replies.
“So that must mean this is all a dream. And there’s a fire in my apartment building.”
“You really thought this was the new Burger King uniform? Really.”
This? This is what I’m talking about.
NOW it’s snowing. You may panic at your own discretion. Me? I think it’s whimsical.
Deadly “Epic Storm”
We’re about to be hit with this intense storm. I was just at the food store to pick up food for tomorrow if we get snowed in. I live in a major city. Not near a major city, in a major city. I don’t have a car, because I can walk to everything. Because I live in a major city. So what’s perplexing to me is that the shelves were empty. People were squealing into the parking lot and running, running into the food store to pick up all the non-perishable food they could find, and a head of lettuce. No, seriously. Every non-perishable item was gone. And the lettuce. Fuck you guys.