Gasp!

I stepped into the elevator earlier this week, after the whole Monday morning roach fiasco, and a couple of ladies got on as well.

One of the ladies gasped, and I looked around to try and discern what the source of her alarm was. I saw what looked like a giant roach in the floor of the elevator in front of her, its little antenna waving. I gasped as well, prepared to cling to the nearest tall person and climb my way up to their face.

“What’s wrong?” One of the ladies asked.
“I forgot my purse upstairs!”
“Oh no!”

I looked at the roach and I realized it was just a giant fuzzy ball of lint. I tried to yawn gaspily to make it seem like I had just been tired.

Frequently Asked Questions from Google

These questions are search terms through which people find and click through to my site. I will endeavor to answer them to the best of my knowledge.

1. Why do I hear a knock in the bathroom door?
Because you’ve been in there for over two hours now, and people are beginning to worry.

2. dreaming about being the last person left
Is natural and healthy.

3. drend pa fuk mom
I… I don’t know.

4. flesh literally ripped
Reasons why you should suck it up and see a doctor.

5. i don’t care because i’m alex and i am awesome
Fantastic.

6. live sexyes fuck piony
I’ve never known anyone else to have strong feelings on the subject of peonies, but apparently some people do.

7. what food can i fuck?
No.

8. sexy food names
In light of the previous question, a host of unsettling contexts come to mind.

9. is alex awesome?
Yes.

10. i love you, alex. i really do he whispered
People who speak in the third person are a little creepy.

11. lily allen – not fair discus
I can’t speak from personal experience, but this isn’t the first time I’ve heard about Lily cheating at discus throwing.

12. oh no the bathroom door is locked
I just like that someone typed this into a search engine, found my site, and clicked a link to discover insights and tips on what to do in this situation.

13. sexy things you should not do
See #7 and #8.

14. who was the smartest god?
The verdict is out, but again, I am entertained that I’m seemingly the authority on this subject.

25. yay technology
Yay indeed!

WORDS IN PLACES

Have you ever gotten the kind of angry that is so multifaceted, it can’t be directed at any one specific person or thing, (not fairly) and you can’t stop being angry or be objective about it?

Instead, you find yourself going around the house, wandering with a purpose of finding someone worthy of a strong glare or a kick. Something to somehow siphon off the rage surging inside of you. You go into the kitchen, ready to eat the shit out of something, with your teeth, but you are too enraged to be hungry, and you slam the refrigerator door harder than necessary. You prowl into the bathroom to take a shower or maybe peruse your selection of soaps, but relaxation holds little appeal when what you really want to do is destroy something that someone you hate loves.

You ponder who is most deserving of your ire, but this is unsatisfying, because at your core, you are not that cruel or malicious of a person, and you know too well that your rage is so potent and vicious it can destroy whole cities when unleashed upon mere mortals. No, you have a responsibility to remain calm. Patience is not just a virtue, it is the true path to vengeance and life satisfaction. With time, all slights will be repaid many times over.

So you are faced with a dilemma. With nothing around to kick or set on fire, nothing beloved to destroy that belongs to imagined mortal enemies, what is a person to do? How to diffuse this pent up rage so that you can enjoy life again without a foul expression of contempt forever etched into your face?

Puppies. Lots and lots of puppies doing silly, puppy things:

Smurfcakes and Roaches in Top Hats

I will not bore you with tales of delirious revelry and joy, so instead of discussing my vacation last week, I will tell you about my first day back at work. I returned to work somewhat rested and only mildly cranky, which is really saying something. Without people and events to complain about and whiskey to drink away my pain, my days had been surprisingly open and I had accomplished a great deal, and grown a little as a person. This is what vacations are supposed to do, but the irony is that no one experiences these effects until after they’ve reached adulthood. This entirely defeats the purpose because everyone knows that grown ups are too Set in Their Ways to change, and consequently, vacations are both wasted on the young and old alike, but for opposite reasons.

I’m not about to complain too bitterly about them, though, because I rode on a fucking boat swing in the shape of a dragon that almost flipped over. And it was amazing.

Anyway, I returned to work today to discover several things:

1) My boss presented me with a piece of paper that had all kinds of chaotic writing scribbled all over it.
“what is this?” i asked him, intending for it to be a rhetorical question.
“this is your schedule for September,” he told me, pointing to a  complex mathematical formula that had too many triangles and not enough whole numbers.
“it looks like the deranged scribbling of a madman.” i said, citing the peculiar goat doodles he’d made at the corners.
“yes.”

2) We are being invaded by cockroaches, and they are growing bold. One of them challenged a coworker to a foot race in the hallway while wearing a tiny vest and a top hat. Another had taken up residence in one of the offices, and had the audacity to scuttle away when someone asked him to leave whilst holding a phone book.

3) We have an abundance of bright blue cupcakes, because (I’ve been assured) they are made out of actual smurfs (not imitation smurfs). And the sprinkles are, apparently, smurf brains. Smurfs taste really good.

This may come as a shock

Recently, a rumor has been spreading that before I began my current job, I was a merchant marine. Between cussing like a sailor, my grizzled and half-crazy glare, and the smell of sea salt on my person, (new shampoo from Lush), I’m embracing this rumor and running with it. Check out some of these vintage posters:

grizzled finishthejob deliverthegoods

They so accurately reflect my work ethic. I plan on peppering these slogans into my work emails.