Quick: how would a herd of animals consisting of a bison, a crocodile and a shark effectively attack someone? This was the subject of conversation that resulted in this priceless quote:

“Well, the bison could knock you back towards the river, where the crocodile would shimmy up to you and drag you into the water. There, the shark would ravage you.”

Which subsequently resulted in this image:

I sent a picture of some ostriches (don’t ask why) to one of my coworkers, who for the sake of this post, we’ll call CheeseBalls. CheeseBalls’ reaction to the image was violent and immediate. He shouted and recoiled in horror.

“What the fuck, dude?” I asked, incredulous.

“YOU KNOW I HATE OSTRICHES!” CheeseBalls shouted, accusatorially across the desks.

“I did not know that, actually.”

“THEY ARE MY GREATEST FEAR.”

“What the fuck. Seriously?”

“YES! THEY’RE HORRIBLE.”

At this point, the entire office is paying attention and laughing.

“That doesn’t even make any sense,” I protested. “I mean, how often do you encounter an ostrich? It’s not like we live in Australia.”

“There are ostriches in Australia!?”

“What, did I ruin that for you, too?”

So, I got the following in my email today:

The subject is really what cracks me up, because in reading it, I pronounce it, and invariably, it sounds like this.

Also, I like how you can buy online ear infections. Didn’t know that was a thing.

Manfriend is loud. As a person, he has a loud voice that permeates even the quietest recesses of our home. I will occasionally have to tell him to use his fucking indoor voice because he is not seven, he is a man, and his outdoor voice is loud and inescapable.

When and if we have a child, we will need to acclimate our child to Manfriend’s bouts of loudness. Likewise, I am belligerent. The combination of these two traits means we will need to show our child that loud and belligerent behavior is not inherently negative or scary. It can be exciting!

To do this, I think we will need to become the super enthusiastic parents. Pretend our child is an athlete. Respond accordingly. For instance:

“Are you a baby? You’re a fucking baby! YEAH! Is that a kitty? That’s AN ADORABLE KITTY CAT! SAY KITTY CAT! SAY IT AGAIN! SAY KITTY CAT ONE MORE FUCKING TIME, MOTHERFUCKER! HA HAHAHAHAHA MURDER!”

“How old are you? SHOW ME HOW FUCKING OLD YOU ARE! HOW MANY FINGERS IS THAT? TWO? TWO IS THE BEST AGE OF ALL TIME!”

I anticipate Manfriend will punctuate these declarations of support and love with shouts, leaping up from his seat and screaming, “YEAH!” at the top of his fucking lungs.

When/if we have kids, I will keep a small notebook on me at all times. Whenever our child complains that something is unfair, or that they are displeased with how a situation has progressed, I will pull out the notebook and write it down. I imagine something like this will unfold:

At two years:

“No no no no no!”
“[Baby awesome*] does not want to put on pants. Noted.” And I will proceed to write something in the notebook.

At three years:

“I don’t want carrots!”
“[Baby awesome] does not want carrots. Noted.”
“What are you doing?”
“Making a note of your complaint.”
“Oh.” I assume this will baffle our child all of once. 

At some point, the notebook will cease to confound them. Instead, they will either ignore it, or insist on seeing it. At this point, [baby awesome] will still not be able to read. I will happily show them the notebook. They may attempt to write in it themselves, or destroy it. I will allow them to do neither.

I will let this progress for as long as it is amusing and as long as the kid puts up with it. Eventually, the kid will get old enough to sense taunting, at which point the notebook will be put away for a few years.

Eventually, the kid will find it and read it. And they will realize… they have been trolled so hard.

*placeholder name